Sam Thomas

" I believe in white supremacy, until the blacks are educated to a point

of responsibility." -Sam Thomas

Sam Thomas was born in Grand Rapids, Michigan in 1997. Thomas enjoys powerviolence and emocore. He is a talented artist, but an even more talented friend. He also thinks he is "ok" with Jazz Rap.

In the year 2025, he plans on running for president of the United States under the National Socialist Party. His platform is simple; get rid of underwear that rides up the crack of your ass. In the year 2026, the ghost of Malcom X visited Sam, and presented him with a plaque saying, "THANK YOU FOR BEING THE BLACKEST MAN IN AMERICA!" Lo and behold, Sam's dick stands at 2.5 inches.

Sam has been known to perform many strange deeds such as: screaming at women through their bedroom windows, partaking in self pleasure meant to multiple publications of Horrible Histories, and destroying postcard displays in stores all across the United States. These actions have resulted in Sam being banned in stores all across the country being deemed "The Mantaray" a name that strikes fear into the hearts of many.

In 2016, Sam sold his soul to the devil to ensure that his favorite restaurant, Slows BBQ (which is almost neck and neck to Blimpie), would maintain high profits. Scientists speculate that this is so he can truly express his Satanist beliefs.

Public Embarrassment
Sam has embarrassed himself multiple times in public. One time on March 15, 2013, Sam attended a live recording of the Nerdist podcast. When it came time for questions, or, "Quemments," Sam shouted and waved his hands screaming, "BALCONY GUY!" for he was seated upon the balcony. the shouted persisted until Chris Hardwick gave into his demands. He asked quite possibly the worst question ever, "Who would win in a fight, Wolverine without regenerative Powers or Daryl Dixon with regenerative powers."

http://nerdist.com/nerdist-podcast-live-from-gildas-laugh-fest/

If you follow this link to the Nerdist Website and skip a head to about 1:17:30 you can hear this transaction.

A year earlier on May 4, 2012, while attending a viewing of Marvel's The Avengers, Sam purchased a large popcorn and a large soft pretzel. He was warned many a time to not lay the pretzel a top his popcorn, but being a loose cannon he refused to listen to orders rationally. Moments before entering the theatre, Sam dropped his pretzel on the ground, contaminating it with the germs and bacteria of those walking ahead of him. He was offered help with this debacle, and was even offered a replacement pretzel out of some sort of courteous compensation, but declined and walked away fro the incident, minus one pretzel.

One time in the 1980s Sam attended a Star Wars convention with the intent to kick George Lucas's ass; however, upon reaching George Lucas he got nervous and just planned on insulting him. Without any hesitation he screamed the "N"-word at him. It was just then that he had realized that Billy D Williams, who played Lando, was right there so he stormed out of the convention hall while being pelted with trash, chased by security, and feeling horribly sick.

Somewhere out there, on this puny godforsaken marble we call the planet Earth, there may be a video of Samuel Steven Thomas singing Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody whilst doing an impression of actor Arnold Schwarzenegger. To this day, it is to be considered lost media.

Writing Career
Sam has written many expository books under his own unique writing style, Gonzo journalism, never before used by anybody. This includes his multiple first hand encounters of brutal murders that he was always very quick to arrive at the scene of. Thomas writes, "I was there, writing my book when all of the sudden, I see this man bleeding to death in front of me. I put my hoagie down and wiped off my finger and checked his vital signs. Nothing. I checked his wallet. His name was Andrew Jackson. He had a green face in the id, but a very red one when he decided to take the big sleep. I had discovered that he many other green fake ids. What could I do. If I were bring this wrong doer to justice, I would tarnish the reputation of a dead man, so I took all of his ids and I lost them somewhere" (Thomas I.iii.69). His second book was a spy thriller called Seahorse! and involved reporter Darius Grant going around Las Vegas reporting on races and doing many psychedelic drugs. His last book, Sam Thomas: Highway to Hell, was released posthumously to his death on September 8th, 1997. The writing was very cryptic and seemed to be very metaphorical, but pointed to no answers. After it was burned en mass, it was revealed that the binding of the book contained a treasure man. Suddenly, Sam's books were making lots of money. Since Sam had died and Smacks Thomas was a convicted criminal, all of the money went to the publishing giant Ottech Industries which lifted Victor Ott into the top 10 richest men in America. The map listed actually lead to Ott's Scrooge McDuck style gold chamber that he would swim in regularly.

Entombment
Samuel Thomas was entombed after his untimely death in 1995. He was buried underneath of his favorite sandwichery establishment, Blimpie, as they had seemingly perfected the Hoagie, God's sandwich. While he had failed at sustaining apartheid, Sam had accomplished many of his dreams. He was lowered into the ground by his friends Victor Ott and Cal Kreiner inside of his solid gold sarcophagus. He is survived by his brother, Smacks Thomas.

It Should Be Noted
Sam Thomas has yet to make good on a threat